Tan Shi En Zoe, 13

School: Methodist Girls’ School (Secondary)

Topic: Describe how you feel hearing someone close, receiving a heart transplant

Award: Second Place, Junior Category, 2023

A seed of desperation planted itself into the pits of my stomach, my anxiety feeding it alive. Worry engulfed me, darkness overcoming every corner of my mind as scraps of information pieced together. “Heart transplant surgery.” the voice echoed in my head. With quivering lips, I whispered over the phone, “Was… it…. a success?”.

A sharp sigh pierced the silence. “We don’t know yet. They're keeping her under observation.” my aunt said in a tired monotone voice, “but don’t worry, she is going to be alright. Just stop worrying and focus on your schoolwork.” Upon hearing that, every nerve in my body started raging with anger and irritation. “How could she tell me to stay calm and not worry at all? My mother is in the hospital, and my aunt just tells me to shut off my feelings. She could die!” I thought. My palms turned cold and clammy at the thought of a possible devastating outcome.

The next few days passed by like a blur. Waking up, going to school, visiting mother, waiting and praying for hours that she would wake up. Every day that she doesn’t, I go home in dejection. Repeat. My life has been full of disappointments lately. After school on Friday, I made my way to the hospital with zero hope, zero expectations. Pulling out a chair, I planted myself on it. The room was so empty, its creaking sound reverberated against the room’s walls. The only thing I could hear was the rhythmic beeping of the machines and my heart pounding loudly in my ears. Seeing my mother lying on the bed so helplessly, I couldn’t help but cry. I tenderly picked up her hands, caressing them softly. “Please wake up. It has been days since the surgery. I love you so much.“ I pleaded, more tears welling up in my eyes as I stared at the ceiling. I can’t lose her because of this. She has always been my pillar of support, a place of safety and comfort. Being a single mother was tough, yet she tried so hard to make life good and easy for me. A small tug directed my vision back to my hand and I suddenly saw my mother's fingers curling slowly. Hope ignited in me and swelled in my heart! Leaning over, her eyes started to flutter as she parted her lips. A radiant smile transformed my countenance. I exclaimed, “Mom!”.

She looked up at me and flashed a weak smile, “Abby, I…I love you so much. I don't think I will have enough time left to spend with you. I promise… I will be watching you from heaven and protecting you. Dream big and always fight for what you want. I love you, darling.” After she said that, her eyes closed again and her chest heaved and fell for the last time.

The heartbeat monitor went monotonous and flashed a straight line across the screen.

My brain couldn’t, wouldn’t, and refused to comprehend the image in front of me. Plummeting straight into the depths of despair, a myriad of emotions hurled themselves at me, grief, shock, guilt, all collapsing onto my mind. I couldn’t even cry, couldn’t even move on. Minutes later, the medical staff came running into the room, doctors and nurses, they looked at all readings on the heart rate monitor and pulse, shaking their heads, and pulling the bedsheet over my beautiful mom’s face. I sat there. Staring blankly into space. Numbness took over me. I heard voices coming from the fogginess, calling my name but everything felt so detached, as if half of me was gone. I touched her icy cold hand and that’s when the tears hit me.

Gems may be precious but family is priceless. My mother had been the bright, shining star in all of my darkest points in life. She was the one by my side, as I grew up, sharing tears and laughter, joy and despair. And now it seems, in the twinkling of an eye, she simply left, leaving me all alone in this bleak empty world. I hoped to be part of the next chapter in her life, sadly, she could not in mine. I would forever hold in my memory, the way my beloved mother smiled at me as she took her last breath, caressing me with her tender love by her words.

Disclaimer: Please note that the views and opinions expressed in the essays for the Live On Festival 2023 are those of the participants and are not endorsed by the National Organ Transplant Unit (Ministry of Health). To learn more about organ donation and organ transplantation in Singapore, please visit www.liveon.gov.sg